Those Words
by Ashplosion
Summary: I needed to hear those words tonight./I couldn't stop myself as we kissed and I whispered those words./For the first time in my life, I felt my heart break./From the brief glimpse of their encounter that I caught, their ease with each other's bodies was clearly something of experience./I had never felt guiltier in my life.
1. Zoicite

**Author's notes:** Each chapter is in a different point of view. This is supposed to take place in the Silver Millennium.

* * *

I drew her into my lap, and she took care of the rest. I brushed her hair over her shoulder and my lips met the skin there. She rested her hands on my thighs and let her head tip back against my shoulder. I mumbled her given name. I only used that name when we were alone.

She was simply beautiful, and I didn't deserve her.

I let my hands wander up her sides and got a soft, feminine gasp in return. My name fell from her lips, and she moved her left hand to tangle in my hair. Long, white strands cascaded over my shoulder and mingled with the black falling back into place with our movements.

I wished we could do this more often, but our relationship would've been seen as betrayal by both our races. I wanted this bond to become more than whispered words, furtive glances, soft touches in the dark.

These times in the dark, these intimate moments were the only times I got to hear those words that I so desperately wanted to hear. Sometimes I said those words, sometimes she did. I needed to hear them from her tonight.

My hands slid further forward, over her stomach as I steadied her movements. My breath was coming in shorter and shorter gasps, and I noticed the pace of her breathing had picked up as well. The hand on my thigh moved to tangle with my hand on her stomach. I whispered nonsense in her ear; she groaned quietly when I raked my teeth over her lobe.

I wanted her desperately. I wanted her in every way a man could want a woman. I wanted her body, every time we were on the same planet. I wanted her heart. I had everything I wanted, except one thing. Every time we met in the dark, every physical liaison, every time she said those words that I wanted-no, needed-to hear, it all made me want that one thing more.

I wanted to marry her.

My hands roamed upward, almost of their own accord, and her fingernails dug into my scalp. My heart was pounding in my ears so loudly that I was afraid I'd miss those words when she said them.

And then she gasped and shivered against me.

She let her head fall back against my shoulder, and I allowed my forehead to touch her back. We sat like that for a long, quiet moment. It took all I had not to fall backwards on the to the bed, dragging her down with me. I knew that if I did, it would be that much harder to let her leave, to let her return to her own quarters.

It shouldn't have happened, but she did. She stood on her shaky legs, but even as she did, she started to collapse. I leaned forward enough to catch her, and we did wind up on the bed. She rested her head on my chest, and I tugged a blanket over us.

"You shouldn't let me settle in." I didn't reply. I didn't have to. She tilted her head toward me; I studied her jaw line. I wanted to hear those words so badly. "I don't want to go back. I wish I could stay."

"I wish for that as well." She smiled slightly, sadly and that left hand found my cheek. "I want so much more than what we can have." She kissed me gently and then rested her forehead against mine. I closed my eyes in response. "I wish..."

"Don't," she cut me off. She always knew what I wanted, that thing I wanted more than anything. And since the first time I told her I wanted a marriage, a life with her, she stopped me every time I mentioned it. Better not to stoke that fire, she'd remind me.

We lay like that for a while, our foreheads touching, her weight supported by my chest, our eyes closed. And then she said those words I wanted to hear. "I love you, Zoicite."


	2. Rei

The familiar feeling of his weight shifted and settled between my legs as he kissed me. His left arm supported his torso above me, and his fingertips of his right hand brushed through my hair. He was obsessed with my hair. I let my fingernails glide down his back. I supposed I was slightly obsessed with his hair as well.

The long, white strands were unlike anything I'd ever seen, and his hair was so soft. My hands wandered up his sides and around his chest, meeting at the base of his neck. I pushed his hair aside; a white curtain fell around our kiss.

I loved him, though I rarely got to say those words.

That right hand of his trailed down my arm until our fingers locked. I released his hair, and my hand found his hip without thought on my part. I loved it when he pressed his thumb into my hip bones, and I was always happy to give him that same jolt of pleasure. He gasped my name into our kiss as I did.

Sharp, white teeth raked over my bottom lip, and I couldn't suppress the moan ripping itself from my throat. Every time I crept into his quarters, he'd kiss me like that at least once. The things that happened between us every time we met only drove the point further home that we could never expose our relationship. It mattered, but at the same time, it didn't matter. We would continue our relationship in the dark. His hands gave me comfort and pleasure, and his words steadied my soul.

One of those hands found its way to my cheek as he whispered something against my lips, but I couldn't hear what he was saying. I knew it wasn't what I needed to hear, as that was only said when I prepared to leave... but I was too focused on the pain of hiding us, the contact of our bare skin, the feeling of his breath against my nose, his hair brushing against me. I was lost in a whirlwind of emotions and pleasure, and my universe had shrunk to the man kissing me, touching me, loving me.

He understood me so well, and I understood him. That hand on my cheek moved to my hip; he began kissing away my tears. I hadn't realized I was crying. That gentle, disarming smile of his always told me what I needed to know. I needed to know he understood, and he did. He knew what I needed, what I wanted to hear. He knew that I wanted more than I could have, but he was always there for me in every way that he could be.

My legs wrapped around his waist and pulled him closer still, and I could hear myself nearly beg him for what I wanted him to say. "Please, Zoicite." Our eyes met, and he smiled. He knew exactly what I wanted, because he wanted those words as badly as I did, every time we met like this.

"I love you, Rei."

And my universe expanded in every direction and shrank back to this man, this man that I loved, all of it in the blink of an eye.

As he shifted to rest next to me, the tears grew to sobs, and those sobs cut me to the soul. The look in his eyes... he wanted to ask me for a marriage again, but we both knew that it was better if he didn't ask. I wanted to say yes, so badly did I want to say yes. He wanted to tell me he loved me again, and I wanted to tell him I loved him. No, better to follow the unspoken rule. Those words were only said as I prepared to leave, and only by one of us.

His fingers sifted through my hair as I calmed down, and I wanted to hear him say again, already. He wanted to say it; I wanted to hear it. I could only wish to fall asleep next to him like this every night. My hands were shaking as I tried to sit up, and he rested his palm against my back. I could only enjoy the contact for a long moment; I couldn't get caught here.

I couldn't have the man I loved.

I couldn't understand the circumstances that kept us like this.

I couldn't have wanted our lives to intertwine any more than they already had.

I couldn't stop myself from violating our unspoken rule.

I couldn't stop myself as I kissed him one last time and whispered those words: "I love you too, Zoicite."


	3. Kunzite

I always wondered what had changed between us, and now I had the chance to perhaps find out. The cool night air still felt hot against my skin as I stood against his window, just out of view. We hadn't exactly had a love affair, but we'd certainly shared a close friendship, complete with a sexual side. I had taken advantage of my position as his commander from time to time, but the affection between us had been genuine. As I bit down my conscience for invading his privacy, the slight slit in the curtain showed me everything I needed to know.

He'd left me for her.

Even in the darkness, I could make out the silhouette of their embrace. She sat in his lap and they were a tangle of black and white and limbs. This was why he hadn't shown interest in anyone else since leaving me. There'd always been someone else, someone forbidden.

I wasn't sure who she was, but I knew she was a senshi.

The slow, shifting movements in those shadows told me what they were doing. There was no way she wasn't that forbidden someone else for him. I knew every inch of his body, and it bothered me how I could picture his muscles shifting beneath his skin. But instead of my hands sliding up his back, they were her hands. Instead of my thumbs against his hip bones, it was _his_ thumbs on _her_ hips.

I couldn't understand. He'd never shown interest in women at all. If he'd wanted to... whatever this was... he merely needed to tell me. I'd had my share of affairs with women, and he, for whatever reason, had been perfectly happy staying in my bed-even on nights I wasn't in it.

I leaned my head against the curtain-covered window and strained to hear something-anything. I wanted to know who the hell this woman was that had taken my man away. As their encounter continued, though, I wondered if I would get the chance to find out. Nothing was said, no noise was made.

And then she gasped.

They sat in their embrace for a long moment, and then I watched her push him onto his back. The thin slit of skylight peeking between the curtains on his face meant so much was concealed to me, but it didn't matter.

I had my answer. He had left me for her, and although I didn't know who she was, he had left me for her.

I closed my eyes and tried to collect my thoughts before heading to the guest chamber that had been designated as mine for this trip. I couldn't wrap my head around this. He'd never shown interest in women, yet I'd just watched him take one. He could've just told me, and I would've-

I was jerked from my thoughts at the soft, spoken tones that I'd almost missed, and then I understood everything. "-wish I could marry you, Rei."

She gave him some remark back, but I had my answer. He had left me for Mars Rei, and for the first time in my life, I felt my heart break.


	4. Minako

Sometimes, I needed to confide my loneliness in another. For a long time, that person had been Mars Rei. Reiko had been my best friend for years; we often lay awake on her bed, laughing and talking until all hours of the night.

I'm not sure when I began to develop more...romantic...feelings for her, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake the thoughts, the dream, the desire.

Then, I crept to her room one night to confide that loneliness in her once more, and she wasn't there. I couldn't figure out where she'd gone, except maybe holding some sort of political discussion with one of Earth's shittenou. This went on for a while; sometimes she'd be there, sometimes not. She only seemed to vanish when the shittenou were on the Moon, but it was never every trip. At least, not every night of every trip they made, as sometimes I'd pop in and find her after a long day of meetings.

I wondered what in the hell they could be discussing without me, but I couldn't bring it up without calling attention to my own needs. I always feared damaging the close friendship we shared, and I had never seen her express any interest in anyone. I didn't know if she was into men, or women, or truly celibate, but I still held my fears. We'd never really spoken of the strange arrangement that we had. I simply showed up and climbed into her bed, and she held me while I cried out my loneliness. Some nights, long after she'd fallen asleep, I'd kiss her cheek. She'd always sigh, smile and tighten her embrace. Once, I even dared to kiss her lips and mumble an "I love you." She kissed me back and returned the statement, but she was still sound asleep. I wondered who she was dreaming of.

I resolved to tell her of my feelings the next time I saw her. Meetings had run into the early hours of the morning, and I really needed to talk after the bombshell announcement of an engagement that Princess Serenity and Prince Endymion dropped on us.

The queen had called me in for a private discussion concerning Serenity and Endymion, and I headed to see Rei immediately afterward. As I rounded the corner on the approach to her room, I caught a glimpse of black hair rounding the corner on the opposite end of the hallway. I hadn't heard the light click of her heels as she walked, so Kunzite must've been leaving. He was the only other person I could think of that had hair that long and dark. However, when I knocked on the door, no answer was forth coming. Reiko had disappeared again.

I took off in the direction of the black hair, hoping to catch up. Something inside me, though, wanted to see where she vanished off to. I tailed her though the twists and turns of the palace until I found myself in the visiting delegates' wing, and I stopped short when she came to an abrupt stop and stole a glance around. Thank god I'd had the sense to hide behind the corner.

As I peered around the corner, she seemed to be collecting herself. Her hand rested on the knob to Zoicite's room, and I wondered what business they could possibly have to conduct that didn't reflect the meetings Kunzite and I would be having tomorrow. I couldn't figure out why this meeting couldn't wait until tomorrow, and it surprised me when I finally realized she was not dressed as Sailor Mars, but in the plain clothes of Mars Rei.

She entered without knocking.

I crept toward the door, curiosity intensifying. No light came from beneath the door or the keyhole, and I couldn't see anything when I finally pressed my face toward that keyhole.

They were speaking, quietly. He said her name, but not the name the Terrans usually used. He didn't refer to her as Sailor Mars or even Mars Rei, but simply as Rei. The familiarity made me uneasy. The curtains shifted just enough to allow me to make out dark shapes in the even darker, but I wish it hadn't. What I saw shocked me into detransforming from Sailor Venus to Venus Minako.

He kissed her.

She wrapped her arms around him and deepened the kiss.

My love was unrequited.

I couldn't grasp it; I backed away from the keyhole unsteadily and used the corridor wall to support myself as I came to terms with the kiss. This was why my Reiko disappeared when the Terrans visited. I had never thought, even for a moment, she'd be sleeping with one of the generals. The muffled sounds coming from the other side of the door only served to let me know that I wasn't imagining this. I heard an article of clothing hit the door, as if ripped off in haste. I heard the soft creak of the bed as it supported weight, presumably of both of them. But aside from his voice speaking her name, I heard no words.

Maybe she didn't love him.

I settled back at the keyhole, fully aware that I was violating her trust. She straddled his waist and leaned to kiss him again; the gesture was more intimate than I could bear to watch. I withdrew from the keyhole and sat, my head spinning.

Reiko, my Reiko, and a man. An Earthling. A shittenou. Zoicite.

I'd hoped for mere kissing, but they were already undressed and on the bed, and my mind could not explain this to my heart. I wondered how long this had been going on. I knew it had been years since the first time I'd gone to meet her, and she had not been there. From the brief glimpse of their encounter that I caught, their ease with each other's bodies was clearly something of experience.

My forehead hit my knees as I cowered closer down to the ground fighting off tears. I don't know how long I sat like that, but eventually I heard shifting in the room, and then those soft voices again.

"I love you, Rei. I wish we could get married."

I didn't hear her reply. I stood and ran down the hallway as fast as I could.

Reiko, my Reiko, and Zoicite.


	5. Serenity

It was certainly easy for me to forget these young women that served me were just that-young women, very young women. They were adults to be sure, but they were adults that were never given the chance to be girls. I found the ease with which I forgot directly impacted my relationship with each of them, particularly with the Martian.

After all, she really was quite young, wasn't she? Forgetting her age was perhaps the easiest for me of the four of them, as she had always been the most "adult" of the group. By the time she arrived in my care, she'd already seen years of war and death, and she'd become quite bitter about life in general.

To remind myself that they were, in fact, young women, I checked in on them periodically. I tried to adopt a motherly role toward them, especially Rei. Ami had enjoyed the relationship, as I reminded her of a mother that she missed dearly. Makoto seemed to depend on the day. I couldn't be the one to lift her depression, but I could certainly support her. Minako tried to put on a front most of the time, but occasionally, she'd break down. The last time I'd visited her, she'd confessed to me that she was in love with Rei. I explained that if Rei reciprocated, I would tolerate the relationship, but if it interfered with their duties, I would ask that they terminate the affair.

As for Rei... I couldn't find her.

I'd searched everywhere I could think of, from her quarters to the fire room I'd had built especially for her, to the archery range to Minako's room. Minako had been nearly asleep when I knocked on her door; she looked as if she'd been crying. I thought I'd seen her running at top speed toward her bedroom earlier, but I hadn't presence of mind at that point to ask her if she'd seen Rei. I sat on the bed next to her and gently asked her to open up to me.

"I can't." I tilted my head and waited for her to continue. "I just... can't. I need to process." I had a bad feeling about this.

"Have you spoken to Mars?" She looked away for a long moment, eyes shining as though she might begin crying again.

"No, Your Highness. I don't have to. I... I can't talk about this now, if that's alright." I nodded and kissed her head as I walked out. The door had scarcely clicked behind me before I heard an agonizing sob rip itself from her throat. Though it broke my heart, as I loved the four of them like daughters, I knew she'd come to me when it was time.

I drifted toward the wing occupied by the Terrans; I'd decided to collect my daughter for the evening and resume my search for Rei later. As I strode through the lobby, I noticed a small, dark figure exiting one of the sleeping quarters, but before the door could close completely, a hand shot out and grabbed her wrist. I moved closer, subconciously hiding. The figure was clearly Rei, and something was going on with her. Her hair was disheveled and her clothes seemed as though they'd been hurriedly put on. Her plain, almost generic Martian clothing was hardly appropriate for a discussion with the second-in-command of the shittenou.

Regardless, I was not prepared to hear Zoicite's request of the Martian I thought of as my daughter. "Rei... please, stay."

"Are you crazy?" She more or less shoved him back into the room, allowing the door to click behind her as she reentered the room.

This man was not our ally, and he'd just placed his hand on my warrior in a manner that was inappropriate in any context. Their spoken interaction, however, did not match up with their physical interaction. It was past time I got answers from her.

I approached the door and froze, my hand in midair as a thought occurred to me. If Rei and Zoicite had engaged in a romantic or sexual relationship, the law would require execution of both if their secret were exposed. My hand slowly fell to the wall next to the door. If my suspicion was correct, I didn't see any reason I couldn't just keep it to myself.

If my suspicion was correct, this was why Minako had found out, and this was why she did not need to speak to Rei.

I closed my eyes and listened, but I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't even tell if they were speaking. Part of me knew that this was wrong, spying on my senshi, and part of me was concerned for her welfare. I didn't trust Zoicite.

In a very ungracious and undignified manner, I knelt and pressed my eye to the keyhole. I could barely make out the figures, but what I witnessed was hardly mistakable for anything but a passionate kiss. I stood as they broke apart, and I heard the only words I needed to.

"I wish we could get married, Rei."

"You know I want to. You know we can't."

I shouldn't have been surprised to find she was in love, but I was. I could've granted myself some leeway with my shock on with whom she was in love, but the fact that she was? She was a young woman after all, and she was certainly attractive. All of my senshi turned heads on a regular basis; one of them was bound to accept the attention eventually.

I didn't trust Zoicite, but I trusted Rei's judgment.

I turned and exited the wing quietly. My daughter could stay with Endymion tonight; I needed to think. I had two other daughters who hurt deeply because neither could have the completeness Serenity would have for the rest of her life.

I had never felt guiltier in my life.


End file.
